rock, paper, scissors
by madame.alexandra
Summary: Adjusting to a female on the team sucks, particularly when it means three grown men to one hotel room. Decker & Burley are hellbent on NOT sharing the bed with Gibbs, but their game to decide who sleeps with the Boss is interrupted when they think they hear Shepard gettin' it on in the next room...with herself? Probie/back-in-the-day Jenny. DiNozzo-ish Gibbs. Jibbs undertones.


_A/N: ONCE AGAIN. My "studying" has turned into writing crack!ish fanfiction. I have a russian language final in the morning, and I do this instead? Pray for me, brothers and sisters, for I am a lost cause. _

* * *

William Decker and Stan Burley stood nose to nose, glaring at each other.

"_You_ cheated."

"_No_, I didn't."

"You _cheated_!"

"I didn't _cheat_ at rock, paper, scissors. You _can't_."

Decker threw up his hands violently.

"You stepped on my foot and changed to rock when I flinched!" he accused rudely.

Burley made an outraged noise, spluttering.

"I did—" he started to deny it again, but Decker interrupted.

"And paper beats rock anyway, _idiot."_

Burley spluttered again.

"I got—nervous and—confused and—I'm not sleeping with Gibbs!" he hissed, glancing behind him in a panic.

"What the hell do you think he's gonna do to you, Stan, he's straighter than Jesus _freakin'_ Christ!"

"If you're so cool with it, you sleep with him!" Burley fired back.

Decker winced. Burley pointed at him accusingly, his eyes wide.

"Aha!" he snapped.

Decker slapped his hand away.

"Fine, neither of us want to share a bed with 'im," he growled. "But someone has to."

Burley stamped his foot, clenching his fist. He threw out his hand at a connecting hotel room door.

"I don't get why someone can't just sleep with Shepard," he groused.

"No."

Gibbs' voice came sharply from behind them. He kicked the hotel room door shut behind him and chucked extra pillows at his male counterparts, jerking his head towards the tightly shut connecting door darkly.

"She gets her own room," he said firmly.

"That's crap, Boss," Burley whined. "They wanna be treated equally and be one of the guys and all that feminist psycho babble but _she_ gets her own room."

"Can't make her feel uncomfortable," Decker said logically, looking forlorn.

"I'm not puttin' you within ten feet of a sleepin' female, Steve," growled Gibbs suspiciously, glaring at the notorious skirt-chaser.

"Hey, unfair," Burley retorted. "You're the one with like _four_ redheads under your belt."

Gibbs smacked Burley in the back of his head, but he was so proud of his crack he just snickered as he pretended to look chastised. Decker snorted and clutched his pillow. Gibbs picked up their duffels from the edge of the bed, threw them in the corner, and then kicked off his shoes, pulled off his polo, and dropped down on the comforter in his undershirt. He grabbed a pillow and sprawled out, eyes closed.

"Uh," Burley cleared his throat. "Boss."

Gibbs grunted.

"What about us?" Decker probed.

"You boys are on the floor," retorted Gibbs smugly. "Whattaya think I got the extra pillows for?"

Decker groaned and rolled his eyes. Burley chucked his pillow at Gibbs violently.

"That's it, I'm sleeping with Shepard."

"Burley, you leave this room, I'll put my foot so far up your ass—"

"Aw, c'mon, Gibbs, you can't make us _both_ sleep on the floor—"

"Shit, Stan, five minutes ago you cheated at a kid's game so you wouldn't have to share with him—"

"Shut-up, Deck," barked Burley, flushing.

"That true?" Gibbs drawled, glaring at Burley.

Burley spluttered. Decker grinned and hit him with a pillow. Burley lunged at him and shoved him back, trying to wrestle the pillow away from him. Gibbs rolled his eyes and pulled his badge from his back pocket, chucking at the closest one of them and hoping it hit one in the goddamn eye. He wasn't going to get any sleep at this rate—

"Cut it out," he ordered.

"Fight me like a man, Deck!" growled Burley.

"The fuck, dude, you're hittin' me with a pillow, you think this is a girl's slumber party?"

The scuffling continued, and Gibbs got up, storming over and grabbing them both at the scruffs of their stupid necks. Burley swore and winced, Decker swatted Gibbs away with a glare, and then suddenly Burley perked up and cocked an eyebrow.

"Christ, Gibbs, let go—"

"Shhh!" hissed Burley. He flapped his hands and wrenched away from Gibbs with a sly look on his face. "Shut-up!" he snapped again.

Decker paused and fell silent, listening. Annoyed, Gibbs was about to tell the both of them to go sit in separate corners until he'd fallen asleep, but then he heard what Burley had apparently heard first.

_Moaning_.

Distinct, breathy, loud, _moaning_.

Decker glanced around; Burley looked gleeful. He slowly pointed towards the connecting door, raising his eyebrows.

"_Shepard_?" he mouthed silently.

Decker whipped around and looked at the door. Gibbs let go of his neck and looked, too, understandably distracted. In the absence of their bickering and fighting, the sound of female moaning was _increasingly_ obvious. Gibbs narrowed his eyes, trying to discern the direction.

"Is she with…a _guy_?" Decker hissed, disbelief written on his face. "When did she have time to pick one up?!"

"She's not with a guy—" began Burley.

"Girl?" grunted Gibbs, arching an eyebrow.

Burley looked like he was about to bust a gut with excitement, and shook his head furiously.

"I talked to her right before we played rock, paper, scissors, she was getting ice in the hallway," he divulged wickedly. "She's _alone_."

He jabbed his finger at the door, bouncing on his feet.

"_Alone_," he mouthed pointedly.

Gibbs and Decker turned to look again, this time with awestruck, curious looks. Decker raised his eyebrows and pointed his own finger, cocking his head to one side.

"Is she-?" he asked.

"To herself?" Gibbs finished gruffly.

Burley barged through the both of them, marching towards the door, and Gibbs grabbed him at the collar and held him back.

"_Don't_," he growled.

"I'm not goin' in, I'm gonna listen at the crack!"

Gibbs smacked him in the back of the head again.

"Are we _allowed_ to listen?" Decker asked seriously.

Burley escaped from Gibbs' grasp and let out a yelp as Gibbs' pinched him. He inched closer to the door, turning his head towards it. He wriggled his eyebrows at his colleagues with a smug smirk on his face.

"You thought she was wound too tight," he snorted at Gibbs, his lips curling in a smile.

Gibbs glared at him, and pointed at the door.

"You think doin' it herself means she's not uptight, you haven't been around many women," he said bluntly.

"Yeah? Go do it for 'er, then," Decker snorted, shoving Gibbs brazenly in the shoulder and pushing him towards the door.

Gibbs smacked him in the back of the head this time, about fed up with the incessant teasing that had started about his supposed desire for Shepard—just because he'd tripped at that one damn crime scene because he _happened_ to _maybe_ be looking at her ass in a pair of jeans—

The moaning escalated, and Burley waved his hand violently to shush them.

"Shut up, I wanna hear this, maybe she'll yell a name."

"Who d'ya think she thinks about?" Decker asked lasciviously.

"God, I hope it's a woman," Burley muttered with a grin.

Gibbs reached out to grab them both and pull them away, concentrating heavily on blocking out the sound of—well, apparently Shepard—doing…whatever she was doing in her room, because he was pretty sure this was somewhere on the list of things you weren't supposed to do when a woman was on your team.

Burley leapt away from him and Gibbs scuffled with him to pull him back, and Decker picked up a pillow and whacked them both when he noticed the door opening, shushing them rapidly and violently.

The three men froze, straightening up hastily.

None other than Jenny Shepard leaned against the frame; her feet encased in mismatched tube socks, clad in a large, frayed t-shirt and too-short shorts. She wrinkled her nose, rooting around in a large back of potato chips, and tossed her head, flipping her tangled bangs out of her face.

The moaning was still going on.

"You guys hear that woman across the hall?" she asked, snorting. "I think she's watching the porn on channel ten, she's keepin' pace with…" Shepard trailed off, biting slowly into a potato chip as she finally looked up and noticed them all staring at her—and standing ridiculously close to her door.

She crunched pointedly on the chip and then slowly arched an eyebrow.

"You thought it was me?" she asked wryly, a smirk touching her full lips.

She sighed and shook her head, muttering under her breath. She looked into her bag of chips and picked out another one, laughing mockingly.

"I don't sound like that," she scoffed, biting into the chip matter-of-factly. She shook her head primly.

"Go back to your room, Shepard," ordered Gibbs firmly.

"Why?" she asked sweetly. "You three need a cold shower?" She tilted her head and flicked her eyes over them, pointing her finger lazily in their directions. "You could always turn on channel ten and do whatever men do at _their_ sleepovers."

Decker flushed. Burley crossed his arms and leered at her.

"You gonna watch the porn, Shepard?" he drawled.

She turned up her nose and pushed off the wall, shooting them a derisive look.

"Please," she said coolly. "I didn't pack my vibrator."

She shoved the door closed with the heel of her sock-covered foot, and Burley leapt back, looking positively delighted with the turn of events. Decker rubbed his jaw tensely and raised his eyebrows, while Gibbs seemed to be a little star-struck by the comment himself.

Burley laughed and clapped them on the shoulders.

"I changed my mind," he announced boldly. "I _love_ female agents."

* * *

_ -probie!jenny probie!jenny probie!jenny !  
+ Gibbs & the boys acting like-well, boys._

_-Alexandra  
story #133_


End file.
